40 Things I Would Tell My 20-Year-Old Self

Today I turn 40.

Somehow that number feels both impossible (aren't I still sixteen?) and exactly right (my body is definitely showing forty years of wear and tear). I can't help but love these milestone birthdays as a time of reflection. I can see how far I've come, the decades take on a clearer story arc, the wisdom I've learned and the dreams I still hold come into focus.

Ten years ago, at the turn of my thirtieth birthday, I was four days postpartum with our first child. I got to celebrate my birthday surrounded by friends and family with a fresh baby boy in my arms recognizing that forevermore my birthdays would be intertwined with becoming a mom. The past decade has been dedicated to motherhood: sleep deprivation, diapers, baby snuggles, tiny hands in mine, nap times, routine, magic making. My body becoming a vessel for new life. My spirit being stretched, broken, and rebuilt in ways I never thought possible. My heart being filled to bursting with love for our sweet family.

Twenty years ago, I remember weeping at the milestone. I was not ready to bid farewell to my teens. I felt fully unprepared to embrace the responsibilities that were certain to arise in my twenties. Any yet, my twenties were full of adventure. I earned degrees. I travelled. I did things that terrified me (and my parents). I made new friends and said goodbye to others. I began a career. I fell in love and got married.

The past two decades have been filled with more surprises, heartbreak, struggle, and blessing than I could have ever imagined when I was 20-years-old. Along the way I have learned many lessons—some the hard way, and others through grace and good counsel. So in honour of this milestone birthday, here are 40 things I would tell my 20-year-old-self:

1. Pray more—prayer is your most powerful weapon.

2. Say yes to travel. Your money is better spent on experiences than things.

3. Get out of debt. Financial freedom is an incredible gift. Live like no one else so you can live (and give) like no one else. (Thank you, Dave Ramsey!)

4. Wear sunscreen. Every day. Seriously.

5. Understand your internal clock and use your times of maximum capacity for what matters most. (Hint: for me, it is not the early morning.)

6. Don’t compare your Chapter 1 to someone else’s Chapter 20.

7. Your husband is not a mind reader—be clear, honest, and kind about what you need/expect from him.

8. Deep and lasting friendships are formed with time. Keep showing up.

9. The best way to deepen a relationship is to lean on the other person: borrow something, ask for advice, or ask for help.

10. Confidence comes after you do the scary thing, not before.

11. Apologize quickly.

12. Be curious. Ask more questions.

13. Gratitude will shift your perspective faster than anything. There’s always something to be grateful for.

14. Spend less time worrying about what people think. (I promise they are more concerned with their own lives.)

15. Confidence is attractive. Arrogance is not. Stay humble.

16. Clothes that fit your body will always feel and look better than squeezing into the size you think you should be.

17. Laugh often. (Which means you also need to stop taking yourself so seriously.)

18. Celebrate small wins—preferably with chocolate.

19. Laundry is not linear, it’s cyclical. Success means simply moving things to the next phase.

20. You are allowed to change your mind about your career. There are lots of great ways to earn a living.

21. Actually, you can change your mind about almost anything.

22. Your body is amazing for what it can do, not just how it looks.

23. Stop trying to straighten your curly hair.

24. Drink more water.

25. Photos are wonderful, but videos are even better.

26. Prioritize time with Jesus. Faith cannot grow without it.

27. It’s okay to say no. Maintain healthy boundaries.

28. You cannot force children to sleep (as desperate as you may be). They will eventually. In the meantime: coffee.

29. Journal your experiences. The details that feel so vivid today will fade tomorrow.

30. Write the book. Even if no one reads it, the process will change you.

31. Less is more—physical space frees up mental space.

32. Education is never wasted. Keep learning.

33. Call your mom.

34. Use every interaction as an opportunity to make someone feel seen and valued.

35. It's better to spend the money on quality when you can.

36. Good music and a dance party can lighten almost any mood.

37. Do not compromise your convictions. Speak the truth in love.

38. Be slow to take offense. Most people have good intentions.

39. Your energy is expensive. Not everyone can afford it. (Thanks TSwift)

40. Aging is a gift not afforded to many. Enjoy each day.

If I could sit across from my 20-year-old self with a cup of coffee, I don't know if she would heed all this advice. But I do know that she would be excited to see how far I've come. She would tell me of her prayers for her life and I would get to say that I live in the middle of those answered prayers.

And turning 40? That feels like the beginning of a new chapter of my story. So here's to my forties and all the love, adventure, and learning still to come.